Have you ever found yourself in a situation or predicament where you just can’t seem to get along with another person, or merely communicate in such a way for any sole reason at all? Whether it being achieving a certain desire or providing potentially beneficial advice that the selected other can’t seem to understand. Feeling like you have tried everything? Fear not-The purpose of this post has you an old, yet very simple but seemingly forgotten self-help principles to aid your irrefutable frustration regarding such a common issue.
There are times in life where we find ourselves bewildered at our abilities to deal with other people, sometimes you’re unsure whether it’s you, them or the weather (for many reasons) nor come to terms with the complexity of exactly what is making such a task seem impossible.
Listed below are 3, easily digestible principles to keep in mind for effectively handling anyone; that when learnt and practised, will seem effortless. Enjoy.
Self-Help Principle 1: Never critique, complain or castigate.
Let’s begin with a short parable. A man with an infamous reputation is often a feared criminal, in this sense, he is considered evil by his wrongdoing and acts of injustice. It is this injustice that society and its conventional values view this person contrary to the norm.
On a particular night in London, dozens of police officers were heard scrambling in and around Oxford Circus tube station as gunshots lit up the night. Screams and despair spread as the night grew older, rumour has it that one of London’s most wanted was spotted inside and once noticed, took siege of human lives as form of leverage. Thousands of people listened and waited close behind the human blockade of officers, nothing like it had ever been seen before on the tracks of London. When this man was captured, Captain S. Montgomery stated that the man was unknowingly to the public, an enemy of the state previously turned rogue for reasons undisclosed, “He will disregard all consequences of behaviour,” said the Captain, “and will kill in the blink of an eye.”
The question we must ruminate is, how did this mysterious man regard himself? We know, because it is only until after finding in the residence of this man evidence that may be mutually exclusive with these intentions. a letter labelled, “To my younger self.” And, as it read: “Beneath this vessel was a heart of gold, one that too many, times left cold.”
Not too long before this, this man was going about his morning to surprise his girlfriend out-of-town near West Sussex. After he had arrived and noticed another male in the bed. Without saying a word, he leaped through the window and drew his gun, the gun shot and the air shattered. The bullet tore through space and silence fell upon him in its wake. He spoke but his words were lost in the quiet. That was the killer who said “Beneath this vessel was a heart of gold, one that too many, times left cold.” The man was sentenced to death. When he was upon his last few hours, do you think he said, “This is what I get for killing people?” No, he said “This is what I get for doing what any man would do.”
The point of this story is exactly this: This man did not blame himself for anything. Would you say that is an unusual thought process for criminals? I think not, now ponder this for a minute and ask yourself, if these men and women behind bars do not blame themselves for acts of such sin, what about the people who you and I have come in contact with? People do not criticise themselves, not for anything, no matter the severity or margin that they may be so very wrong by.
B.F Skinner, a world-famous psychologist had proved with his experiments that animals respond and learn much more efficiently when being rewarded with good behaviour and retain that information rather than castigated for poor behaviour. Further studies also proved that the same theory indeed applies to humans. In self-help we must be self-aware and acknowledge that the person we feel the need to correct or critique will probably justify himself/herself for what ever the reason may be. Perhaps even critique us in return?
Do you know of someone who you aspire to change or improve? perhaps a partner, friend, colleague etc. Why not begin with the man in the mirror? This is much, much more profitable and long-term efficient, and is also the pinnacle of self-help improvisation. Remember that before trying to handle others, that you are dealing with creatures of emotion, master this and things will fall in just the right places.
Self-Help Principle 2: Show a little appreciation.
There are roughly eight wants in life that we truly desire, I will label these; the eight things we desire most. We will be elaborating on solely one of these wants in this principle. The principle analysed and laid out is “The desire of importance.” If you’re interested in the other seven then you can head here.
Majority of these wants are more or less satisfied throughout our journeys, although there is one longing, deep, heart-wrenching desire that is satisfied rarely. I think you guessed it, the desire of importance. Who doesn’t like a compliment? One of the most, if not the most sought after craving in life is the gratification of appreciation, hence the word “craving” not desire, but for appreciation and not importance. The person that can acknowledge this is all well, good and possibly on their way. However, to grasp this information and strictly apply it whenever you get the chance, this person will hold people in the palms of their hands.
The desire of importance has been around for centuries, this desire even stems off the infamous quote I’m sure you’ve heard “We buy things we don’t like, to impress people we don’t even know, with money we don’t even have.” It is why the rich build the biggest houses that you and I both know they can’t make use of, it is why you feel the need to wear the latest fashion styles, it is why you want to drive the coolest car, this desire even impacts the way you talk about your brilliant partner or children. Some even fall victim into partaking in criminal activities, joining a gang or going as far as your imagination serves you, why? The answer is merely ego, the craving for appreciation, the desire of importance.
An easy way to begin: Bring to the table genuine enthusiasm among your people, appreciation and encouragement to others for small things, lead to a large impact. Positive reinforcement is actually critically important at times but be careful not to flatter. Flattery and appreciation are two very different things, the difference is ‘sincerity’. One comes from the ‘heart’ and the other from the mouth. One is sincere and the other has an ulterior motive.
Again – the difference is ‘sincerity’.
One comes from the ‘heart’ and the other from the mouth. One is sincere and the other has an ulterior motive.
What do average people do? The exact opposite.
If one does not approve or fancy something, they will scold their minions, partners and so on and so forth; if they happen to fancy or approve of it, most of the time they say nothing. Let us stop thinking of ourselves, our accomplishments and our desires. Let’s attempt to analyse the person we wish to interact with and try to acknowledge their traits, disregard the flattery and acquire some genuine, real appreciation. Do this often and the people on the receiving end will hold your words tight, for longer than you can remember their faces.
Self-Help Principle 3: Give the person an incentive.
Let us begin with a bite size parable by D. Carnegie. A man is in charge of how he spends his time, this man enjoys fishing as his selected hobby and often spent the summertime in Maine. “I Personally am fond of strawberries and cream,” said D. Carnegie, “but I have began to notice, fish prefer worms.” This brilliant man did not think about what he wanted whilst fishing, he thought about what the fish wanted. So why not use this perfect little allegory and apply it when fishing for people?
Why be futile and converse about our wants? We are interested in what we want and others are interested in what they want, you may seldom stumble upon the occasion where others are also interested in your wants as you share a common goal or desire. But the rest of us are like you, only invested in what we want. Do you see where this is heading? The only way to strike influence and be able to handle somebody in these occasions is to converse about their wants,their desires, and you know what else? You have to show them how to get it.
Visualise yourself in a future situation where you are, the one attempting to get somebody to do something or change something. For example; You want your child to stay in and refrain from going out as they have an exam to attend the next morning, don’t stand there and lecture them talking about what you want, we all know the answer and reasoning behind your want; but instead show them how heading out may impact the outcome of their grade scores and achieving that future opportunity.
Another parable to provide insight is; Mr Ralph Emerson and his son were trying to get their calf into the barn, however they inevitably made the common mistake and were only thinking about what they wanted. Can you guess what the calf was thinking about? If you’ve caught on you would assume (and you’re correct) the calf is thinking only of what he wants, so the calf had centred his weight and refused to move. A bystander, the housemaid had been observing the entire situation, unbeknown to Ralph and his son, she had a broad perception of her surroundings, she thought of what the calf wanted; so she placed her maternal finger inside the calf’s mouth and let the calf suck on her finger as she patiently guided him into the barn.
Tomorrow you may find yourself in a situation where you want to persuade somebody to do something. Before any form of communication, stop and ask yourself the question: “How can I make this person want to do this?” This question will not only stop absolute inefficiency and possibly embarrassing conversations ending with futile chatter of your desires, but give the person an incentive to do something. He who is capable of doing this, has the universe with him.